My Loneliness Is Killing Me
by KreativeKristine
Summary: After losing his beloved father, Hawkeye contemplates the existance of a Heavenly Father. Resubmitted to test a new word processing program


My Loneliness Is Killing Me

Author's note and disclaimer:I do not own the copyrighted characters of MASH, nor do I claim rights to 'Britney Spears hit song, 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'. This story was written purely for author satisfaction and inspiration, and I hope you guys enjoy it! While talking to some friends in my prayer group, I told them I could write a version to the above mentioned song with a Christian twist. This is my first song-fic, so I don't know how great it'll be. I also thank the author of Monday Morning Church for inspiring this story.

Touch Me Jesus One More Time

Oh Jesus Jesus, oh Jesus Jesus Oh Jesus Jesus, What am I supposed to do I know something isn't right here Oh Jesus Jesus, I shouldn't have let you go And now my heart is broken Show me what I need to do now Tell me Jesus because I need to know, oh because

Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, lovingly given the nickname ⌠Hawkeye■ by his father, was intellectually prepared for the day he would lose his dad; however, his heart still felt as if it were broken into a million pieces that could never be repaired. The cancer had begun to manifest again, only now, it took its toll on Daniel Pierce's brain. In the depressing room in Portland General hospital, Hawkeye refused to leave Daniel's bedside, and he knew the end was near when the older man started talking in a delirious state - or was he?

"Oh, God, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to take it out on you!" the ill man cried out as tears streamed down his pale cheeks. "It wasn't your fault! I was stupid! Please forgive me!"

"Dad, it's OK, I'm here," Hawkeye did his best to calm the distraught man, not realizing that Daniel knew exactly what he was saying.

"Please let me come home; I wanna see Angela again!"

"Dad, you will," was all Hawk could think to say as he threw his arms around the only family member he had left.

⌠All at once, the tears stopped flowing, and Daniel entered a contented state. "Ben, He told me it's all right and that I can go home; I'm gonna see your mom."

"No, Dad, not yet," the younger man began to sob.

"I love you, Ben," was the last thing Daniel Pierce M.D. would ever say, his arms falling away from his son's body as he quietly passed away.

Heaving loud hic-cupping sobs, Hawkeye Pierce, now an orphan at age fifty eight, slowly stood upright and covered his departed dad's face with the sheet.

My loneliness is killin me (and I)  
I must confess I still believe (still believe)  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign, touch me Jesus one more time!  
The house was lonely, too lonely. This was the first time Hawkeye would enter it knowing that his father would never come back again. He couldn't bring himself to go upstairs and see that master bedroom that would never again be filled with the rhythmic snores that were characteristic of Daniel Pierce. He knew that he had to pack away all the items that weren't bequeathed to him in the older mans will, but this was clearly not the time. Perhaps it would keep until the next day or the day after that. Feeling as if he had an arm and leg amputated, he threw himself onto the couch, wrapped himself in the multi colored afghan his mother had made a long time ago, and cried himself to sleep.

Oh Jesus Jesus, the reason I breathe is you Boy your light is awesome Oh pretty Jesus, there's nothin that I wouldn't do My savior warm and wholesome Show me what I need to do now Tell me Jesus because I need to know, oh because

Images began to float through the bereaved Hawkeye's mind, images of a long lost loved one from his childhood.

"⌠Ben, how was Sunday school?" Angela Pierce asked her five-year-old when he exited the classroom and met his parents in the church foyer.

"Great! They're gonna let me be in the Christmas play! I'm gonna play Jesus' daddy!"

"And you know who Jesus is, don't you, honey?"

"He's the one who got born in a barn, and everybody came to see him and he grew up and walked on water," the small boy enthusiastically babbled, rattling off everything he knew about Jesus Christ.

"You know, Jesus did something important that nobody else could do," Angela prompted with a smile and a cuddle.

"He can get us into Heaven!"

"That's right, son!" Daniel praised his little one, scooping him up in his arms and carrying him out of the church.

"Oh wow, he went through that for me?" Nine-year-old Hawkeye gasped in disbelief as he watched the teenagers' Good Friday production of Jesus' last days.

"Yes, sweetie, he let men nail him to a cross and kill him so our sins were paid for. It's because of him that we can have a relationship with God and get into Heaven."

Ten-year-old Hawkeye still couldn't believe what had recently happened. His mother had fallen ill and died pretty quickly. It wasn't fair, and it didn't help that everyone was doting over him, the poor motherless boy in school. It was because of this unwanted attention that he told his father that he didn't want a birthday party that year. The death of his mother had occurred precisely a month before Hawkeye was to have his eleventh birthday, and celebrating with cake and ice cream just didn't feel right. The youth had taken a break from his homework and came downstairs for a glass of milk. While he was in the kitchen, he overheard his father and the church pastor talking at the table, apparently oblivious to the boy's presence.

"Loving God, Hah!" Daniel shot back bitterly. "If God's so loving, then why did He let Angela die like that? I prayed for her every night since we found out she had cancer, and God didn't listen! He obviously doesn't give a rat's rip about us anymore!"

Feeling as if his heart had been torn from his chest, Hawkeye slipped out of the kitchen, not bothering to hear the pastor's response. He barreled into his room and slammed the door behind him, hot tears threatening to flood his blue eyes. Was it true? Did God no longer care about him and his parents?

Jolting upright with a start, Hawkeye pulled out of the flashbacks and ran into the kitchen to fix himself something to drink. A dry martini was just what the doctor ordered.

My loneliness is killin me (and I)  
I must confess I still believe (still believe)  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign, touch me Jesus one more time!

Hawkeye returned to his sleeping place on the couch after his fifth martini and awoke nine hours later. His throat was practically raw from all the sobbing he had been doing since his father's passing, and the booze didn't seem to help matters either. After he helped himself to a bowl of cereal and some milk, he somberly shuffled up the stairs and gingerly entered the master bedroom as if he were entering a nightmare world. It was no use putting off what he would eventually have to do. Those personal effects wouldn't pack themselves into cartons and drive themselves to the church.

After three long hours of this heartbreaking task, Hawkeye finally got the first group of items ready for the church's charity rummage sale that was to take place the next month. More boxes would eventually end up down there, but Hawkeye just had to take a break.

As he stood in the living room, he noticed one remnant from his past that couldn't be carted away very easily. In the far corner stood the piano that Angela had brought into the house when she and Daniel were married. Hawkeye had begun taking piano lessons from his mother when he was six years old, and he loved it - until he lost her. After that, he couldn't even sit at the piano without feeling a lump forming in his throat and hot tears stinging his eyes. He could never bring himself to play again; it was just too painful...

Suddenly, his azure eyes fell upon something that rested on top of the percussion instrument. Lying neatly on a lace doily and wearing a layer of dust, sat the family Bible. Hawkeye gingerly picked up the book and brushed the dust away. When he opened it, he found something that touched him very deeply. His mother had been using an old baby picture of him as her book marker! On one side, an infant's gummy grin and sparkling eyes brightened the black and white image, while the words BENJAMIN FRANKLIN PIERCE, MOMMY'S LITTLEST ANGEL appeared in Angela's neat handwriting. Overcome with emotion, Hawk slipped the photo back into its place, snapped the book shut, and hugged it to his chest. He immediately dropped to his knees and began to weep.

Oh Jesus Jesus, how was I supposed to know Oh pretty Jesus, I shouldn't have let you go I must confess that my loneliness Is killin me now Don't you know I still believe That you will be here And give me a sign, touch me Jesus one more time

Hawkeye drove up to the back entrance of the church and tooted the horn, drawing the attention of the new church pastor, a young man who was fresh out of divinity school.

"I brought some stuff for the sale," the doctor announced after he rolled down his car window.

"Dr. Pierce, I'm very sorry to hear you lost your father. Would you like to come in and talk?"

"I wasn't planning to, but ... actually, I do." With that, Hawk pulled around the corner and slid his car into the nearest parking slot. He slowly dragged his feet inside and found himself sitting in the pastor's office spilling his guts to the clergyman. For several hours, they sat and talked, Hawkeye disclosing every detail he could remember from his childhood with two parents, his time being raised by a widowed father who had suffered a crisis of faith that proved to be too much for him, the roller coaster life of a young doctor who lived an exciting life in Boston and lost his first love during his residency, the horrors he saw first hand when he had been drafted and sent to work in a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, his difficult readjustment to civilian life, and now the loss of his beloved dad.

"I dunno, maybe Dad was right ... maybe God did stop loving us. Maybe he doesn't care," Hawk said in despair, hanging his head and staring into his lap.

"That's not true, Dr. Pierce. He never stopped loving you, and He always cares. There isn't one single hair in your head He hasn't numbered. He knows your pain and your heart. He does hope you'll come back to Him because He wants to walk ... even carry you through the happy and sad times in your life. And don't forget, when your time comes, God wants to take you right up to Heaven; and you will see your parents again."

Hawkeye knew that his mother was a heart felt believer in God and Heaven, so he knew for sure she was there. The trouble was he couldn't be certain of his father's eternal destination. "Is my dad up there? He stopped taking me to church right after Mom died, and I did hear him saying from time to time that he thought God didn't care anymore. What if God's mad at him?"

"Tell me about his last words again, Dr. Pierce," the pastor gently prompted.

"The cancer was getting to him, and he was talking about wanting to see Mom again. He kept apologizing and talking about going home then ... he got all quiet, almost like he knew he was gonna ... He said he loved me and he ..."

"There's our answer. I think he'd asked for forgiveness and received it. Your dad's in Heaven with your mother."

"But I've been snubbing God for years ... drinking, chasing women ... I've been a real jerk for most of my life. He won't want me now; it's too late." ⌠

"You're like the prodigal son. It's not too late for you. The only way it can be too late is if you die before making things right with Him. The first thing you need to do is heal from your wounds ... not just those caused by your father's death, but those caused by all you'd seen and heard since you lost your mother. Let Him heal your broken heart and then try to get reconciled with Him. You'd be surprised at how much it helps. Those martinis you drank in Korea may have given you temporary solace, but the peace God gives you never runs out and will be permanent if you let it. Please come to church on Sunday; it helps, believe me."

My loneliness is killin me (and I)  
I must confess I still believe (still believe)  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign, touch me Jesus one more time!

Hawkeye was uncertain what made him decide to spring from his bed that Sunday morning and don his navy blue suit. Before he realized it, he was sitting in the very back row of the sanctuary and drinking in the pastor's every word. He still wasn't sure he could grasp the concept of God as his mother did, but he was willing to try - if nothing else, out of respect for her and what she would have wanted for him. For years, he sat quietly in the back row and shyly slipped out before anyone else could see him, for he didn't want anyone's views to slant him one way or the other. If he was going to understand all of this about a Heavenly father, then he wanted to know he was making the decision for himself and God alone, not simply to impress his fellow townspeople.

I must confess (my loneliness) that my loneliness is killing me) is killing me now I must confess) Oh Lord (I still believe) know I still believe That you will be here (Come ease my mind)  
And give me a sign.  
Touch me Jesus one more time!

The summer of 2001 was a hot one, and it was fortunate that eighty-one-year-old Hawkeye pierce wouldn't survive long enough to see the tragic terrorist attack that changed the lives of all Americans forever. He was a confirmed pacifist, and to have a war brought to his own country would have been too much for him to bear in his declining condition. Apparently, old age had claimed his body, and the young man who had been hired to help take care of the elderly Hawkeye found him lying peacefully in his bed with the old family Bible by his side. In the front cover, he saw the deceased doctor's barely legible handwriting that read: I'M COMING HOME, MOM AND DAD. The caretaker didn't know why he was flipping through the onion skin pages until he noticed a snapshot that was apparently used as a bookmark and a bold star in the margin right next to John, 8:32.

"'And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free,'" he read aloud. "He sure did free you, Dr. Pierce. You are now free of all sickness and pain. After your liver transplant and heart bypass surgery, you are finally free and whole once again." With that, he carefully replaced the bookmark, placed the closed Bible in Hawkeye's arms, and phoned the undertaker. Benjamin Franklin Pierce would be buried with that cherished Bible in hand, and his reunion with his parents was assured!


End file.
